Josephine

My pregnancy with you was not an easy one, the debilitating constant nausea for months, the scares, the fear of another stroke, the fear of losing you too, the list goes on. I guess it doesn’t help that my pregnancy was also considered geriatric, yes at 35. So when my OB had suggestions like induction at 39 weeks to mitigate risks like still birth, I was all for it. Especially when faced with other scary things like marginal cord insertion and a short cervix that all had to be monitored closely. I didn't mind though, I got to see you more often even though you loved to squirm. A week and a half out you were measuring 6lbs and 14 oz making us think you’d be closer to 7 or 8 lbs when you were born.

My stroke neurologist had cleared the pregnancy and a regular delivery as did my MS neurologist and my OB. After that my plan was simple, have a baby safely, whatever that would look like. I figured I would try as “natural” as possible but see how it goes and be willing to re-evaluate. Getting you out safely was my priority, whatever that looked like. Even with a short cervix the day for induction came on May 17 and it wasn’t doing much of anything so I went in for step 1 of what would most likely be many steps. The medication was inserted that afternoon, I was sent home and told to check in every few hours, then again in the morning, and was expected back the next afternoon for the next step. I experienced cramping but nothing I wasn’t used to. I really wasn’t sure how I would know if anything was happening, they told me I would just know. When I woke up the next morning at 5 am I really struggled to notice your movements which caused me some concern but I managed to fall back asleep after I felt some. Then at 6:40 am I awoke to something very different and intense, what I now know was contractions with my stomach tightening. I didn’t want to panic or go in for nothing, but deep down I knew this was it, just like they said I would. Paul started timing what was happening, they were 2.5 minutes apart, I called just before 7 am for my usual check in and was told it may be best to come in. We didn’t even have time to eat anything. We were the first ones to arrive that morning only to be greeted by a wonderful friend of mine, which was the best luck ever! My contractions started to get more intense while I waited for a doctor to come check me. After almost 2 hours a nurse asked if I was ok if she checked me as he was taking a while and I said yes absolutely. At this point I was 4cm dilated and almost immediately admitted. Again we lucked out with getting an absolutely amazing nurse, which not until you were here did we realize just how lucky.

At this point the contractions were insanely intense and had moved into my back, I had decided I would get an epidural as everything was getting too intense and what had been moving quickly then had stalled. Little did I know that I would then be waiting for 2 hours before I was able to get the epidural as the anesthesiologist was stuck in an emergency in the OR. The contractions were so strong I could only handle them on my hands and knees and had to throw up several times from the pain. At this point I wasn’t allowed to eat anything and the labour had already exhausted me. At about 8 cm the resident suggested we break my water to get things moving a bit more. Our nurse had gone on break, but we agreed to break the water and that is when everything took a turn. Once my water broke you started experiencing heart rate decelerations during my contractions. At this point a c-section was put on the table but our nurse came back and suggested we turn down the epidural and put me on hands and knees. This seemed to solve what was happening. For almost 3 hours I remained on my hands and knees. Thank you cat cow in prenatal yoga, but let’s be honest I would have stayed like that all day if it meant keeping you safe. It is wild the strength I found even when I felt like I couldn’t do it or keep going. Your dad really helped with that.

Given my history the doctors that weekend became overly cautious even though I had been cleared for normal pushing and delivery. They wanted me to wait until I was absolutely fully dilated before pushing and only be allowed to push for a very short time and then forceps would be used. I am not sure why but I think I would take a c-section over forceps. I could hear them bringing in the forceps and then the doctors had to go to another emergency. Our amazing nurse started guiding me through pushing. She even got approved for overtime so that she could stay with us to get me to the end and see you make your appearance. The problem was still that I was starving and didn’t know that I was about to push for almost 1.5 hours. By the time the doctors came back you were ready to be delivered. As you were coming they realized what had been causing the heart rate drops. Your cord was wrapped around your neck not once but twice! Luckily the doctor inserted her fingers between the cord and your neck to make space to ensure it didn’t tighten as you were coming out. You came out so calm all 6 pounds and 11 oz, just a tiny little one, I was so afraid that something was wrong, but you were just fine. May 18 at 5:35 pm you changed my world. Having you on my chest after all that was one of the best feelings of my life. The doctors were called away to 2 more deliveries before I could deliver the placenta and they had to come back to manually remove it and needed some stitches. In all this I lost more blood than was normal and again given my history had to be given medications to help. Sadly by this point our amazing nurse was gone. These medications spiked a fever and that combined with coming off the epidural gave me chills with uncontrollable shaking but not being allowed to have anything warm as it would drive my temperature up. It was torture not being able to hold you after the initial skin to skin because of it.

Finally things levelled out and I was able to be wheeled down to recovery while holding you. As we were leaving the ward, I was brought back to being wheeled out the same floor. But not with a baby, with a box of keepsakes having to leave my baby behind. It was the happiest and saddest I have ever been in one moment, but holding you was so healing. You will never know how powerful you made me feel to get you here safely, and how magical you really are. You look so much like your sister Elena, which is so fitting because you shine so bright. You turned a new light on for me, and it sparkles every time I hold you. You are truly what dreams are made of and all it took was a little faith and trust and pixie dust, and maybe a little science. Today you are one month old and I could not love you more sweet Josephine.